1. |
I. The Problem
04:05
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yes
this is
a cry
for help
yes
this is
my pain
yes
i know
that you
cannot
help
me
yes
i wish
you
could
no
i am not
seeking
any form
of attention
if i were
i would be
a lot less
secretive
and a lot
less private
and attempt
very hard
to show off
my death
yes
sometimes
i believe
i am god
and i can
take a life
but i can’t
yes
sometimes
i believe
in god
and that he
is somewhere
laughing
while i suffer
i once claimed
i would devote my life
to god
and to his son
and the holy mother
but now
i can’t devote my life to living
sometimes
i envy
those who
can put
trust in him
and rely on him
and believe in him
even when the times are good
i tell you
the things
i think
and do
and write
and you don’t
know what
to say
and that’s alright
but don’t
be ignorant
about it
don’t yell at me
don’t chastise me
don’t chide me
don’t yell at yourself
don’t chastise yourself
don’t chide yourself
this is just as much your fault
as mine
you can help
if you want
this is not in my power
this is your problem to fix
please?
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2. |
II. The Offer
04:40
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and here
i offer you
my sacrament
and here
i offer you
my soul
in raw
and pure
and unadulterated
form
and here
in this
shithole
of a confessional
i offer you
my very
being
i offered you
these things
and you
denied them
without thinking
you said
you had
no way to give
the things
that i
would need
i didn’t
ask
too much
of you
besides
your entire
existence
it seems like
a fair trade
your soul
for mine
(though
i presume
mine may not
be as pure
as yours)
i mean
that’s the
only
rational explanation
that i can think of
anyway
it just isn’t
the right
sort of
deal
that you’re looking for
and i get that
i appreciate that
but for my own sake
fuck you
but when i think about it
your mind is stained
with impurities
as much as mine
though perhaps not physically
your mental state is the same
you dream
of the same
terrible
hushed
dreams
as i do
and think
of the same
demeaning acts
as well
but perhaps
the best way
to act on them
would be
together
not to be
strange
at all
but i
just want
to save you
from the rest
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3. |
III. The Metaphor
03:51
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and so i see
you have trouble
reading into
some of my
more
complex
metaphors.
i’ve decided
to make this one
simple
and easy to understand
just
for
you.
you see
if you equate
all of the hatred
and anger
and apathy
and sadness
and guilt
to a laser
beam
and set it up
shining
in a single
red dot
on the wall
(in which case,
the wall is my brain)
then, you take a prism
a million-sided prism
and place it
right in front of the laser beam
then
screw it
into the table
the laser
will shine
everywhere
and cover the room
with specks
and dots
and lines
and shapes
from the refractions
of millions of shards
of glass
this prism is
depression
and there is nothing
anyone can do
to move it
and i certainly
don’t have the power
to move it
and every once in a while
i like to screw it in
a little bit tighter
until the laser
blinds me
and the pain
imbibes me
and i drown myself
in sound and darkness
until i collapse
beneath the weight
of the light
and bask in the
complete and utter
sleep
and dream
complete
utter
nothing.
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4. |
IV. The Irony
04:18
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and today
i have
experienced
irony
in its
finest form
while she
read aloud
the story
of my life
in words
that were not mine
how she told of prufrock’s pain
in words she ripped straight from my mind
and though he existed years before me
i am the modern modern man
how i exist before my time
and how i hate to talk to girls
and how i dress up to go out
and sit
upon apartment stairs
and how
she said
how squeezing
into a ball
and suffering this pain
would be worth it
in the end
if you would
spend your time with me
and how you sat in your chair
your feet
acrosst the railroads of
my train of thought.
and she said
all those things
about the people
who don’t exist any more
and it made me
think
of you
and i tried
not to move
my eyes
because
they were watering
and i was so
very
aware
of your
presence
next to me
and it was beautiful
that presence
and it was beautiful
and presently
when the lights were on
and my light went off
and she wasn’t there
and you said some words
and so did I
but not as smartly
as you did.
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5. |
V. The Eons
03:26
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again
eons
with the strange words
and again
eons
with the strange times
and again
eons
with the strange dreams
and again
eons
with the strange words
and how i wish
i could shove
these words
into your ear and
force you
to believe the
truth
i can’t
believe
you don’t believe me
when i’m such
a lying
sleuth
and though i’m done
with life
upon this earth
let us
return
to mars
and we’ll bleed
upon
the settled dust
the red
so bright
upon red
i tried not to
feel these feels
but i can’t be fucked to try
i’ve already
admitted to myself
these things
why can’t you
admit them
aloud
just like
i said
it is
a call
for help
it is
i know it
and no one
will answer
so why can’t
you just
accept it
i need help
and you are here for me
if only you would
listen
and when i’m dead
don’t
abridge my words
and don’t
abridge
the truth
don’t
sugar coat
the details
let them know
the entire
truth
and keep
or sell
all of my things
no matter
big
or small
i don’t want them to make
cheese trays
out of my records
when i’m gone.
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6. |
VI. The Donation
06:38
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but you can
take my clothes
straight to
the goodwill
and you can take
my books
to the
incinerator
they say
you aren’t
equipped
to handle this
and i
agree
completely
but you have to know
i never
intended
you to be able
to help me
how could you
how could you
go behind my back
and do the right thing
i can’t believe
that you would
betray me
and be a good friend
i don’t deserve that
and i don’t want your help
what i did was unfair
i piled all of this shit
on top of you
and expected you somehow
to be okay with it
well guess what
you’re not
and i should
be able to handle that
but i can’t
not if you can’t
i can’t handle your
inability to handle this
and i guess it’s too late
to tell you it was a joke
and i guess it’s too late
to tell you to forget it
and i guess it’s too late
to tell you not to take me seriously
and i guess it’s too late
to tell you that I really do have a subconscious
and it’s telling me that i need to live
and it’s telling me that i will live
and it’s telling me not to tell you this
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7. |
VII. The Crutch
04:48
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you see i know these things
deep down inside
and somehow i keep
them hidden
i know
there will
be hope
for me
even though
i know
there isn’t
i know
that i
will soon
be fine
even though
i want
to die
all this pain
i feel
i could negate
in an instant
if only
i ever
wanted to
but for some reason
i can’t
i need
to lie to myself
in order to
feel good
and i can’t stop
and i can’t tell myself the truth
and only when i’m drunk
can my subconscious take over
and inhibit all my lying
and i’m crippled when i’m drunk
and how my bones just drag and sag
and how i lean onto my cane
and i trudge across to you
like molasses
going uphill
in january
with crutches
bloated
buckling
beneath my own weight
and finally i get to you
and i’ll have
no words
to say
and how i bang the wall
and how i cry out for help
and i want you to let me in
but you won’t dream to see my face
again
and let me in
please
just let me in
please
just let me
hold on close to all the things
you promised
to never let me go
and let me into
the tempest.
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8. |
VIII. The Molecules
05:54
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and we’ll review once again
my problem with your faith
and how you put your trust in god
and how i put my trust
in the complications in
the molecular structure
of cee two aitch five
oh aitch
and that it will soon
overload
my enzyme factory
and how the z hangs below the line
in my handwriting
and how i borrowed that from cursive
yet i claim to write in print
and how there’s probably some form of
deep
metaphorical
metaphor
there
but i just can’t see it through this
intramolecular haze
perhaps
if you let me
find you
i can find
god
as well
and i will
give up
drinking
and i will give up
pursuing a career
in the smoking
of marijuana
and perhaps i will give up
hating
myself
and hate god instead
and fear him
in this sick
twisted
moniker
of love
and i will feel the same
way about you
and i appreciate
your religion
don’t get me wrong
i wish i had faith
like you do
but because of said faith
i feel
it will never
work out
between us
even though it wouldn’t if you were an atheist, either
but let me pretend please
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9. |
XI. Ode to Mr. Ginsberg
01:48
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and while we’re on the subject
of god
let me tell you
of my holy mind
and how my holy mind
allows me not
to make any
holy
decisions
and how the holy
holy word
that bounces between
my holy
hemispheres
and how the holy
hair that latches onto
my
holy
neural
cells
and how the holy
synaptic
packages snap through
wily
windy moors of
grey
and holy holy ginsberg
how i hope you’d appreciate my
howl
and though the politics
don’t interest me
i hope religion is close enough
and how i wish that i were buddhist
a buddhist buddhist jew
and krishna plays his golden flute
and dances on my brain
and holy mr. ginsberg
how could you take the pain
to understand quite
what is going on
in every
crevice
of everything
how could you take that knowledge to the knees
and not buckle beneath the pain
how could you stand the windy torrents
flying sideways at your face
and your humble little chubby self
and your stubby little cock
you hair of adam
your beard of eve
your knees
so
wounded with knowledge
of all of everyday life.
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10. |
X. The Solution
04:48
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let us go then, you and i
while the sun is burning still in the sky
and let us run away
escape
and etherize ourselves
upon whatever surface we can find
and then please don’t let secrets out
this isn’t yours to tell
i’m sorry if it tears apart
at your very being
how i wish that i could
take it all back
set my mind straight
and make a decision
and decide to decide
and decide to decide
like a broken record
my mind skips a beat
whenever you enter
my mind
(i love with my mind
and not with my heart)
for my heart is diseased and
fatty
and my pericardium muddles its
speech
but my brain is loud
and clear
and my skull makes a great
antenna
for its talking
and its speeching
and i’ll leave you alone for now
this is an existential crisis
i’m going through
but even i know that i’ll come out of this
unscathed
i wish you all could know that as well
don’t sell yourself
don’t hurt yourself
don’t worry yourself
and don’t hurt me
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there will be fish Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
an adult with a computer and a few musical instruments.
see also: IAMFYNE.bandcamp.com
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