last of the scarlet years

by there will be fish

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this is sort of a concept album, but, well, i guess all of my albums are.

the first 8 songs (technically 6, but with one split into three parts), are to be collectively known as "Me". They detail my own personal experiences with issues such as depression, anxiety, paranoia, and struggles with both gender identity and sexual orientation. in most of these songs i blow all of these things out of proportion, essentially creating a caricature out of my problems, presenting them out in the open, slightly exaggerated, but unabridged.

the two parts are split by a sort of acoustic interlude moving from the end of my problems into a growing concern for interpersonal problems, with a narrative song in the middle, which is sort of a free standing song overall.

the next 8 songs (again, technically 6, but with one split into three parts),
are to be collectively known as "You". They talk mostly about a horrible friendship i've been stuck in for the past five years, the struggles within that relationship, my struggles to leave it, and my conflicting feelings for the person who violated me physically and destroyed me emotionally countless times. this lasts for three songs (tracks 11-16), and it then moves to me talking to a few other people in particular, and then in the final song, the only stanza i've ever written about someone i've shared so much with.


released November 27, 2013



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there will be fish Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

an adult with a computer and a few musical instruments.

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Track Name: beginning of the end
Track Name: the spoken word is not my forte
it’s too early in the morning to have emotions
it hurts too much to have to go through all the motions
don't want to think, don't want to feel, don't want to breathe
but i can't be fucked to pack my things and try to leave

with broken hearts and shallow souls
we spend our lives becoming whole
but there's nothing here
for us to be

why can't i just go home and just go back to sleep?
i can't get out of this system i'm in too deep
don't have a choice, don't have a say, there's no way out
when there's no time to search for what this life's about

with rotted brains and hollow hearts
we think, we feel, we create art
but there's no air
for us to breathe

we spend our lives behind these desks
with tired minds, no time for rest,
and by the time we fall asleep
it starts again.

we waste away on things they say
will make us happier today than we were before
but there's no substance anymore.

we spend our lives behind these masks
with tired smiles, no time to ask
the things that mean something to us
in the end.

we put our souls into these words, like poets,
no time to rehearse, but what is time
but an illusion of the past?

and if you think about it long enough,
we all are diamonds in the rough:
not pretty until the waste is chipped away.

we create illusions to deter
ourselves from all kinds of self-worth
meanwhile happiness is a stone's throw away.
Track Name: in other news, i hate myself
woke up this morning, put a bullet through my brain.
maybe tomorrow, i'll get on my feet again.

i guess i'll try
won't try too hard
but i'll try just the same

there will be time

spent all morning finding reasons not to kill myself
came up with nothing

spent all evening smoking pot and trying to make some plans
I got nothing

there will be time, time to murder and create
there will be time for the questions on my plate
do i dare disturb the universe?
do i dare?

went to bed this evening, put a blade against my skin
couldn't do it
i guess i'm happier than i ever should've been
i guess that i have some more time
Track Name: lonely but not alone
it feels
it feels like we're alone
in this room
in this house
in this universe
we're all alone

it feels
like we're never at home
in this room
in this house
nor anywhere
we are not at home

don't you fuckin'
blame this on me
you don't have to follow where i lead

don't you fuckin'
walk out on me
i won't miss you when you leave

it feels
like i'm going insane
what is real?
what is not?
i can't verify a single thing

it feels
like i'm invincible
with this knife
and these pills
i will prove to you, i'm invincible

don't you fuckin'
go without me
i want to be there when you leave

don't you fuckin'
die on me
i won't forgive you if you leave
Track Name: I. i'm too punk rock for this
whatever happened to natural selection?
whatever happened to 'let the good times roll'?
whatever happened to the rainbow connection?
whatever happened to "god will save our souls"?
whatever happened to romance and my stance on
and men
and anything in between
whatever happened to growing up and getting old
and waiting 'til our kids are eighteen?

let's get away from every day

they say,
do this, do that, don’t get bad grades,
and don’t choke on our beliefs as we shove them down your throat
do this, do that, don’t fall asleep
don’t fall asleep, don’t fall asleep.

let's get away from every day

wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up,
wasn’t that a nice dream to get you through the day?
‘til you can go home, and smoke a bowl
then forget who and where you are, and what to say

I can’t escape, I can’t escape,
From society, it’s after me
They’ll steal my hair, they’ll steal my germs
And use my DNA to clone me

What will they do? What do they want?
Why have they installed cameras in my jeans?
What will they do? What do they want?
Why have they installed cameras in my genes?

What’s wrong with me? Am I losing my shit?
Do I even have shit to lose at this point?
Someone help me, someone give me pills

they say
suicide is a long-term solution to
short-term problems but I tend to disagree
all my problems, they’re not with me
they’re with society; I swear they’re not with me

blame society,
just blame society
tear the system down,
and fuck the police

I won’t change to be
what you want me to be
I want to just be me
oh god I must get free
Track Name: II. the neon rockers (why i don't have any friends)
I heard you were lookin for a friend to talk to;
want you to know that I am here for you.
Let’s just be friends, wouldn’t that be great?
It’s not like anyone likes you anyway

that's great, let's get acquainted
i'm always looking for another friend to lean on
let me cry on your shoulder, hold my hand
maybe you'll appear as character in one of my stories

now that we're friends, let's move on
do you want to have my babies some day?
am i moving too fast? that's okay,
it's not like i liked you anyway

what do you get? nothing, a big fat nothing. I have nothing.
I am nothing
I'm worthless; I'm stupid. I'm pathetic; I'm stupid.

But still, let's get acquainted
i'm always looking for another friend to steal from
let me borrow your things, take me places
maybe i'll suck your dick in return one day

but mom
being bisexual was the cool thing in school
I just wanted to be cool
don't you want me to cool
why won't you let me be cool
you hate me, mom, yeah don't you

all of the girls did it
none of the boys did it
all of the girls did it
none of the boys did it

yeah, all of the girls did it and
none of the boys did it
but that's okay mommy,
cause I just wanted to be different
Track Name: III. the last white christmas (birth of the lady man)
hey let's go to sleep
and never wake up
hey let's stay alive

hey let's cut our wrists
and watch the blood dry
let's be safe tonight

let's chop up these pills
no, please don't do that
let's be sane tonight

please don't take this wrong
but i can't stand this
please put down the knife

i'm terrified of what you'll do if i give all the control to you

hey let's go outside
enjoy the sunrise
i would rather die

hey let's make some more
healthy relationships
what's wrong with the friends you have?

you've known them for years
it doesn't matter
they don't care at all

you ungrateful shit
you're worthless
...i know.

i want to be calm
but i can't help it
i'll never get what i want

i'll never know how much it's worth to sow the seeds of fertile earth
i'll never know how much it's worth to grow the seeds of shattered earth

one day i hope that god
will change his mind but
i don't think he will

i don't know very much
about growing old but
we fear what we don't understand

i don't know very much
about anything
but i'm good at pretending like i do

and these days, that's good enough
(but i'm not good enough)
Track Name: prayers without malice
why have you forsaken me again
why do i have to follow your fucking plan

i didn't choose my path
i won't succumb to wrath
but for envy i can't say the same

i never asked for this
i never wanted this
i never wanted to be who i am

well, i repent for all my sins
i refuse to let you win

i don't know what i am
i don't know to react
to the things i'm prone to feel

so i just take it back
i don't know how to act
i just know that it felt kind of good

please, please
don't let this be
depression again

cause i know
i will never know
love like you did

i know, "never
say never",
but i did.

so please
go away.
Track Name: papa
i have been looking around for you
i've been feelin down for you
what else can i do

hey daddy
we've been waiting here for you
i've been waiting here for you
since i was six years old

but when the summer comes,
and you're still not home
i can't look back at the lies you told
"i won't be long,"
daddy you were so wrong

i've been doing well in school
i've been studying hard for you
i hope you'd be proud

hey daddy
momma's lonely without you
she's been cryin' because of you
i can't stand the sound

and when the winter comes
and the nights are cold
i nver want to forget
all the times you told me
that you loved me

and when the winter comes
and her bed is cold
i can hear her up with you on the phone
you never call for me
daddy don't you love me?
Track Name: rats have feelings too
if your eyes were what you said,
like murky, muddy shit,
then i would be like kiowa
and gladly drown in it

but they aren’t like what you say
not to me, at least,
to me, a filthy worm
they are a welcome soil feast

and who says muddy eyes
are something to be hated on
blue eyes are much too common,
oh my lovely carrion.
Track Name: i. a euphemism for euphoria
I want to touch your inner thigh
but it's claimed by another guy
I don't care as much as I used to
cause now I'm a big slut like you, too

I want to cut your yellow hair
and use it to play solitaire
dealing cards from five to nine
then you're off and then it's drinking time

please don't touch me there
I might burst into tears
I don't know if you're really here

put your Chapstick away
I don't want your lips today
but you give me them anyway

i want to shut you out again
i don't want to be your friend
but i can't stand to be alone
something i think that you know

so you hold my hand some more
smear your lipstick on the door
hoping that it will unlock
the doorway to my-- heart

please don't touch me there
I might burst into tears
I don't know if i'm really here

put the bottle down, my dear,
you don't want to do this here
trust me, i'm thinking clear

take you home again tonight
stumble out into the light
with your father there in sight

what you said that night has stuck
and my mind has run amuck
i don't remember if you know
i can smell you in my clothes

when it rained last friday night
i stood out in the lack of light
and i thought hard about us
and in words we won't discuss

please don't touch me there
I might burst into tears
I don't know if we're really here

you drink a glass of cold defeat
don't call me till you're half asleep
drooling on the toilet seat

cause that's when you love me most
and everyone else on the coast
but tonight let's raise a toast
to your ghost

and i hope somewhere out there
you've found someone who really cares
someone that isn't me
Track Name: iii. not like this (not like this)
You asked me if I liked you
and how
as a friend? or more
you asked if I wanted to kiss you.
well I did,
once, long long ago
but not here
not now
not like this
and not anymore.

You smeared your disgusting dead-fish lips
all over mine.
I pushed you away gently and reluctantly.
I didn't want to hurt you.
physically or otherwise.
i did,
long long ago
but not here
not now
not like this
and not anymore.

Why don't you want to kiss me?
Why don't you want to kiss me?
you said it over and over.
Why don't you want to kiss me?
You pulled me close to you
and touched my lips slowly.
I didn't answer, because I did,
long long ago
but not here
not now
not like this
and not anymore.
Track Name: iii. trigger warning (surplus)
we throw your stupid drunk ass in the car
and clean up the place
and our hostess's dad thanks us
for being so kind
and i try not to laugh
because the water feels funny on my hands.

we drive down terrifying roads,
past deer and signs and
empty styrofoam takeout boxes
and you babble on about everything
and ask the same damn questions over and over
where are we going
are we there yet
i wanna go home can we go home?

you ask us again and again
and we stop answering you
and you get annoyed
but you're too drunk to get anything.

we pass a graveyard, and a field,
and you asked what happened.
I tell you,
we died.
we hit a deer and
we died.

you seem genuinely concerned,
and i feel bad,
but not enough to say anything else.

you say
well, since we're dead,
why don't we pull over
and you can both rape me in the field.
he asks if i'm comfortable
and it takes me a while
to realize he ignored what you said
and was talking about the temperature of the car.
i tell him i'm a little bit toasty,
and crack the window.
you mumble on about fucking us in the back seat,
but we ignore you
or at least we both pretend to.

we drive on
and you ask us if we're there yet.
we pass two cops,
and we drop you off
by your font door.
i try to help you out,
you somehow regain soberness enough to walk to your bedroom.
your father opens the door for you
i panic,
we panic,
and leave,
and i am left to sit with my friend
sharing a cigar and
hope that we did the right thing.

this is the last damn song i will write about you, i swear it on my fucking soul
Track Name: alone but not lonely (feat. Lyam Venn)
i feel invisible today
like someone's standing in my way
i want to disappear
but I'm still standing here

i feel inferior today
like nothing's gonna go my way
i want to change the world
but i'm still stuck in here

i want to break free
from this wretched body
i want to go outside
and drink the night away

i feel like getting high tonight
but i don't want to stay inside
let's walk to the park
and swing the night away

i wish you were someone else
someone i could dream about
but there's no one like you
and i guess that's enough

i want to cut into your skin
indulge in your favorites sins
because hating you
is something i'd love to do

i want to break free
from this wretched body
become who i am
inside as well as out

i've got to break free
from this damn anxiety
and become who i am
inside as well as out

i want to break free
from this damn society
but there's nowhere to go
for now i'll stay right here

you are just as stuck as me
stuck in this reality
and though our vice is different,
we both escape somehow

you called me up the other night
you were blazed out of your mind
you asked me what was said
i told you, "just forget"

why won't you tell me?
why are you afraid of me?
i swear i don't hate you,
but i'm still terrified

i have to break free
from this damn society
there's nowhere to go
but i've got to find a way

i just want to leave today
pack my things and run away
and you can stay right here
i don't need you anymore

i'm gonna break free
from this grip you have on me
please don't think of me,
i'm better off alone

i'm better off alone
Track Name: sweater breath
i sit outside and i look for your car
you left such a long time ago; you can't be very far when
you told me you were going to leave behind this place
you haunt me at night with your radiant face

ooh, and your sweater breath

i wanted to tell you that i'm doing alright
though i still need drugs to help to get to sleep at night
and to get up in the morning and to move in the afternoon
well, at least let me tell you that i'm going to be well soon

ooh, your sweater breath

let's turn the ac up real high and
we'll pretend it's winter time
with sweaters, blankets, everywhere
I'll freeze to death with your cold stares

i still can't think of words to say
and you're still fifteen worlds away
let's come back down to earth today
and you can keep me warm

ooh, with your sweater breath
Track Name: the blogger must blog what she has to say, not sing it
smile once in a while; you're beautiful
Track Name: end of the beginning
your hands are much too cold to touch
and your blood is much too slick
your heart is much too fragile
and your bones are much too thick