i wandered aimlessly
i tried to find you
everyone else was dying
my head was bleeding profusely
my ankle was broken
but i didn’t care because i needed to find you
it was all that mattered

i never found you because the ringing of my cellphone woke me up
the number was unfamiliar
it was you
it was you
it was just like before
when you called me
at ten am
and i was asleep on the couch
and you asked me to go canoeing with you
i was too tired
but i wanted to go anyway
if just to see you

(that was the time
you lost your mother’s mascara
which i preferred you without anyway
and i fell out of the boat)

and this time
your voice was the same
soothing
beautiful tone
and i could tell
you were trying your hardest to
sound unfazed

i was so mad at you
what the actual fuck
you didn’t answer my calls
you had a perfect alibi:
you told me that your cellphone
was at the bottom of the delaware river

i was so mad at god and myself
that i couldn’t think anymore
so i stopped being mad

suddenly your lungs inflated
suddenly i was elated
i cried i cried i cried
i couldn’t breathe

i just wanted to run up to your house
and hold you
i know you don’t love me
and you never did
(not like i loved you anyway)

just let me pretend
if only for a while
just sit there
and take it like a man
while i cry and grovel at the feet of your
living dead body

i still don’t know
just how exactly you laugh at this
the only funny thing is that
i was more affected by your near-death experience
than you were

but isn’t that how it always is
i’m the more sensitive one here
as far as i can tell