were we in love the world may never know you said it i thought it you took it back i never did how do i take back words i never said i was afraid immature insecure you were strong assertive beautiful i cut myself for you it was so beautiful back then new adventurous refreshing it wasn’t an addiction yet it wasn’t a habit it had no meaning because i didn’t need it it had no meaning to me because it was your pain i was feeling i was just a bit curious i asked you if you were emo (how naïve i was back then) you told me labels were for soup cans so i asked you if you ever had cut yourself you replied, “thrice.” ironic somewhat i had cut thrice the night before i don’t think you have cut yourself since then if only i could say the same i made so many cuts perhaps thirty five or forty this time on my legs because i was no longer seeking your attention it was enough.

until a year later when depression hit again my scars had healed and my legs were clean and so i covered them with fifty new cuts on each thigh i never told you though i knew you would understand it feels like you would just try to upstage me “bitch please i’ve been on prozac for five years” or be angry with me “are you fucking kidding me you get everything you want you have a thousand dollar computer i have to work to put stay alive” i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i feel this way i really am really i am so please stop blaming me i’m sorry i just feel so guilty what do i have everything your father is dead your mother is slightly insane but she’s trying and you’re trying and i wish i could help

i feel bad i didn’t make you happy when i should have you pretended like it never happened did it happen? did i make this up? did i put words in your mouth i bought a present for you i took you to the movies i held your hand wasn’t that enough? those were huge steps for me fragile little guarded me you’re lucky i talked to you at all had this happened now things would be different you’ve changed i’ve changed but my mind hasn’t i won’t lie and say that i don’t think about it i won’t lie and say that it meant nothing to me i won’t lie and say i don’t want another chance you tried to push me your friend did too she would call me every day on the bus and nag me “did you kiss her yet?” i told her that i was working on it give me time give me time i’m afraid of what, i do not know and of what i do not know she did give me time she gave me a deadline she told me i had until may 31st or you would break up with me

it was one of her many trials i hated it back then i hated all the things i love now (i am only a hypocrite to protect you) and the thought of you doing that to yourself was unbearable the thought of anything happening to you was unbearable of course something would happen and i remember early that early july morning i was waiting for you to show up i sent you message after message no one had heard from you

two years later they released the video i watched you die i watched as you sunk to the bottom as your lungs filled with water i waited and waited it was a few minutes before any people resurfaced you were dead, i remember thinking i saw it on the news i saw you your unmistakeable umbrella your distinctive fire red hair i thought i saw them drag your lifeless body from the filthy brown water i waited up all night worrying i called you i called your mom i called your house no answer no one knew where you were my god how can you laugh at this now i was terrified you were dead you are dead i was sure of it i cried that night that morning rather i didn’t fall asleep until eight thirty i dreamt about you the world had ended our city was a crater from an impact unprecedented in size

i wandered aimlessly i tried to find you everyone else was dying my head was bleeding profusely my ankle was broken but i didn’t care because i needed to find you it was all that mattered i never found you because the ringing of my cellphone woke me up the number was unfamiliar it was you it was you it was just like before when you called me at ten am and i was asleep on the couch and you asked me to go canoeing with you i was too tired but i wanted to go anyway if just to see you (that was the time you lost your mother’s mascara which i preferred you without anyway and i fell out of the boat) and this time your voice was the same soothing beautiful tone and i could tell you were trying your hardest to sound unfazed i was so mad at you what the actual fuck you didn’t answer my calls you had a perfect alibi: you told me that your cellphone was at the bottom of the delaware river i was so mad at god and myself that i couldn’t think anymore so i stopped being mad suddenly your lungs inflated suddenly i was elated i cried i cried i cried i couldn’t breathe i just wanted to run up to your house and hold you i know you don’t love me and you never did (not like i loved you anyway) just let me pretend if only for a while just sit there and take it like a man while i cry and grovel at the feet of your living dead body i still don’t know just how exactly you laugh at this the only funny thing is that i was more affected by your near-death experience than you were but isn’t that how it always is i’m the more sensitive one here as far as i can tell

and still i have nightmares calm nightmares not ones that wake you up in a jolt ones that end painfully with death but a peaceful, floating death the nightmares where you wake up in a cold sweat tears staining your bloodshot eyes wishing your best nightmares would come true i had a dream where we were driving in my father’s car we were crossing a never ending bridge and suddenly we were falling just our bodies into the dark abyss and i clung to you hoping we’d both drown and we sank ten miles below the lowest point on earth and fluorescent fossil fish nibbled on our brains until we were forgotten and lost