bitter reflections

by there will be fish

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(free) 03:23

about

full name:
confirmation/confession part II: bitter reflections on a nonexistent relationship

a sort of EP sequel to my (so-far unreleased) album confirmation/confession. there just wasn't enough room in that album for me to complain about one more woman.

the entire thing was recorded in about an hour on 7/13/2012 in a few takes on my tape recorder with no prior plan of action, i had this cool concept idea where i lit a few candles at the beginning and then blew them out after i finished and i wanted you to be able to hear it but the condenser mic didn't like the idea. so just pretend.

the last song on here was kind of unintentionally amazing and i really like it but all attempts to re-record it and make it sound nice have been so far unsuccessful.

the lyrics were written in 6 hours on 5/25/2012.

credits

released July 25, 2012

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about

there will be fish Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

an adult with a computer and a few musical instruments.

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Track Name: the naïveté that caused me to injure myself and others
were we in love
the world may never know
you said it
i thought it
you took it back
i never did

how do i
take back words
i never said

i was afraid
immature
insecure

you were strong
assertive
beautiful

i cut myself for you
it was so beautiful back then
new
adventurous
refreshing

it wasn’t an addiction yet
it wasn’t a habit
it had no meaning because i didn’t need it
it had no meaning to me because it was your pain i was feeling
i was just a bit curious

i asked you if you were emo
(how naïve i was back then)
you told me labels were for soup cans

so i asked you if you ever had cut yourself
you replied,
“thrice.”
ironic somewhat
i had cut thrice
the night before

i don’t think you have cut yourself since then
if only i could say the same
i made so many cuts
perhaps thirty five or forty
this time on my legs because i was no longer seeking your attention

it was enough.
Track Name: in which i apologize for trying too hard to empathize
until a year later
when depression hit again
my scars had healed and my legs were clean
and so i covered them with fifty new cuts
on each thigh

i never told you
though i knew you would understand
it feels like
you would just
try to upstage me

“bitch please
i’ve been on prozac
for five years”

or be angry with me

“are you fucking kidding me
you get everything you want
you have a thousand dollar computer
i have to work to put stay alive”

i’m sorry
i’m sorry
i’m sorry i feel this way
i really am
really
i am
so please
stop blaming me i’m sorry

i just feel so guilty
what do i have
everything
your father is dead
your mother is slightly insane
but she’s trying
and you’re trying
and i wish i could help
Track Name: don't put these words in my mouth, they taste disgusting
i feel bad
i didn’t make you happy when i should have
you pretended like it never happened
did it happen?
did i make this up?
did i put words in your mouth

i bought a present for you
i took you to the movies
i held your hand
wasn’t that enough?
those were huge steps for me
fragile little guarded me
you’re lucky i talked to you at all

had this happened now
things would be different
you’ve changed
i’ve changed
but my mind hasn’t

i won’t lie and say that i don’t think about it
i won’t lie and say that it meant nothing to me
i won’t lie and say i don’t want another chance

you tried to push me
your friend did too
she would call me every day on the bus
and nag me
“did you kiss her yet?”

i told her that i
was working on it
give me time
give me time
i’m afraid
of what, i do not know
and of what i do not know

she did give me time
she gave me a deadline
she told me i had until may 31st or
you would break up with me
Track Name: where have you gone, my love? your absence makes me sick
it was
one of her
many
trials

i hated it back then
i hated all the things i love now
(i am only a hypocrite to protect you)
and the thought of you doing that to yourself was unbearable

the thought of anything happening to you
was unbearable

of course
something would happen

and i remember
early that early july morning
i was waiting for you
to show up
i sent you message after message
no one had heard from you
Track Name: you are dead, to me and to the world
two years later they released the video
i watched you die
i watched as you sunk to the bottom
as your lungs filled with water

i waited
and waited
it was a few minutes before any people resurfaced
you were dead,
i remember thinking

i saw it on the news
i saw you
your unmistakeable umbrella
your distinctive fire red hair
i thought i saw them drag your lifeless body from the filthy brown water

i waited up all night worrying
i called you
i called your mom
i called your house
no answer
no one knew where you were

my god
how can you laugh at this now
i was terrified
you were dead
you are dead
i was sure of it

i cried that night
that morning rather
i didn’t fall asleep until eight thirty

i dreamt about you
the world had ended
our city was a crater
from an impact
unprecedented in size
Track Name: i want to grovel at your feet of your disgusting reanimated corpse
i wandered aimlessly
i tried to find you
everyone else was dying
my head was bleeding profusely
my ankle was broken
but i didn’t care because i needed to find you
it was all that mattered

i never found you because the ringing of my cellphone woke me up
the number was unfamiliar
it was you
it was you
it was just like before
when you called me
at ten am
and i was asleep on the couch
and you asked me to go canoeing with you
i was too tired
but i wanted to go anyway
if just to see you

(that was the time
you lost your mother’s mascara
which i preferred you without anyway
and i fell out of the boat)

and this time
your voice was the same
soothing
beautiful tone
and i could tell
you were trying your hardest to
sound unfazed

i was so mad at you
what the actual fuck
you didn’t answer my calls
you had a perfect alibi:
you told me that your cellphone
was at the bottom of the delaware river

i was so mad at god and myself
that i couldn’t think anymore
so i stopped being mad

suddenly your lungs inflated
suddenly i was elated
i cried i cried i cried
i couldn’t breathe

i just wanted to run up to your house
and hold you
i know you don’t love me
and you never did
(not like i loved you anyway)

just let me pretend
if only for a while
just sit there
and take it like a man
while i cry and grovel at the feet of your
living dead body

i still don’t know
just how exactly you laugh at this
the only funny thing is that
i was more affected by your near-death experience
than you were

but isn’t that how it always is
i’m the more sensitive one here
as far as i can tell
Track Name: coelacanth
and still i have nightmares
calm nightmares
not ones that wake you up in a jolt
ones that end painfully with death
but a peaceful, floating death

the nightmares where you
wake up
in a cold sweat
tears staining your bloodshot eyes
wishing your best nightmares
would come true

i had a dream
where we were driving in my father’s car
we were crossing a never ending bridge
and suddenly we were falling
just our bodies
into the dark abyss

and i clung to you hoping we’d both drown
and we sank ten miles below
the lowest point on earth
and fluorescent fossil fish
nibbled on our brains
until we were forgotten and lost